QUINN'S DEVIOUS DICTIONARY
Epigrammatic Definitions for Our Time
In this volume, under the definition of dictionary, you will find Ambrose 
Bierce's view of this type of reference book as: a malevolent literary device 
for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This 
dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
He was wrong, though! The way dictionary compilers work is by watching all 
communication — oral and print and, in these days, also radio, television, and 
the Internet. Each time they find a place where a writer1 or speaker2 defines a 
word in a new light, it goes into their files. 
Ordinarily, it takes a long time and frequent usage to bring a new definition 
into a dictionary's next edition.
This volume tries to short circuit this tedious procedure by reaching into the 
sea of words beating against the shores of our verbal world and selecting a few 
of those "special" definitions which this compiler hopes will bring a smile to 
the reader's lips or a gleam to the eye.
I hope you find this volume lives up to this devious definition. You are also 
directed to the entries: EPINITION and DISFINITION which further defines the 
field covered by this dictionary.
In addition to importing words3 from other nations, language grows by observing 
how earlier speakers and writers use everyday words — that's the way it is! This 
is the exactly the same for descriptive phrases.
In fact, Mark Twain once said:
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said 
it before him.
As you can see, this was his definition of Adam.
When you get deeply into this odd research4, you find it amazing how many 
"sages" have defined a word with the same off-beat view.
I hope you find that some of these definitions add sparkle to your conversation 
or a formal speech by providing an eccentric view to a stodgy situation. If you 
are (or are trying to be) a comedian5, this is a great book of one liners. In 
any case, this volume is a wonderful "bathroom6 book" — that's defined as a 
"coffee table book for people with lots of time on their hands." 
To make this book more useful, you will find a "see also" at the end of those 
definitions which appear under other terms. For example, the term 
"mother-in-law7" appears in many areas. If you are looking for this term, the 
cross reference will show you in which definition(s) the term appears. (For some 
reason, there are an inordinate number of references to politicians8 and none to 
used car salesmen9. (I wonder why this is?)
Finally, for those few researchers10 who read this work, you will find a few 
insertions that come right from the twisted thought11 processes of the editor. 
In a sense of fairness, these are also unattributed (but I am rather proud of my 
invention of "tuz.") but, for scholarly precision, these words are followed by 
an asterisk.
This is, by no means, a definitive work. I will, up to my death12, be constantly 
adding definitions that I run across in writings, radio, and television13. For 
example, see Dittoheads.
If you have read, heard, or created, a clever definition, I would love to hear 
from you. Simply write to me or send me an email at the address listed at the 
end of this site. Perhaps, when and if there are enough contributions, an 
updated volume will be in order.
In closing, I want to acknowledge my deep gratitude to my collaborator, critic, 
major domo, keeper, and proofreader of over 40 years — my wife14 Margaret.
Lee D. Quinn
PS: I have just found a quotation which I must — in all fairness — pass on to 
you: The majority of those who put together collections of verses or epigrams15 
resemble those who eat cherries or oysters: they begin by choosing the best, but 
end up eating everythin
— Chamfort (1741-1794)
I hope you will be more forbearing!



NOTES
The definitions found below come from this volume and are only inserted to make 
this introduction look more scholarly.
    is a person who, when what he has written is like a clear fountain, is 
    thought to be shallow. When he muddies the waters, is considered to be deep 
    by the masses. 
    a person who discovers that it takes two weeks to prepare a half-hour 
    speech; one week for a one hour speech; and no time at all for a two hour 
    one 
    things which should be weighed, not counted 
    a blind date with knowledge 
    a person who says things funny — a wit says funny things 
    the only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know 
    what they are doing 
    the only part of moral law where you are assumed guilty until proven 
    innocent 
    a guy or gal who knows how to stay in the public's eye with the least amount 
    of irritation 
    a man who treats his customer as he treats his girlfriend — not his wife 
    scholars who spend most of their time looking for the guy who moved the file 
    
    a process that falls into two categories: one which feels that there are two 
    schools of thought — the other disagrees 
    a fate worse than life! 
    an electronic miracle which has been able to change a child from an 
    irresistible force into an immovable object 
    a woman who makes her husband believe he is the CEO of the family — when, in 
    reality, he is just the chairman of the entertainment committee 
    wisecracks which live long enough to acquire a reputation 



- A -
ABBREVIATION, n. [1] an inordinately long word in light of its meaning
ABILITY, n.[1] that virtue which you are forced to use if the boss has no 
daughter; [2] a virtue which languishes without op portunity; [3] is doing what 
you can, with what you have, and where you are; [4] is simply what you are 
capable of achieving — drive is what makes it happen SEE ALSO: broadminded; 
civilization; concen tration; courage; diplomacy; doctor; education; eloquence; 
fashion; genius; humility; intelligence; journalism; leadership; martyrdom; nag; 
non chalance; noodnick; patience; philosophy; poetry; poise; politician; 
righteous indignation; science; success; tact; tolerance; willpower; women; 
work, hard
ABORTION, n. [1] would be a sacrament if men could get pregnant {Florence 
Kennedy}; [2] in Jewish humor, is not considered a sin if it performed before 
the foetus joins the AMA
ABSCOND, v. [1] Latin for "move in a mysterious way," usually with the another's 
property
ABSENCE, n [1] is to love like wind to fire — it extinguishes the small and 
inflames the great; [2] makes the heart go yonder
ABSTINENCE, n. [1] the best rule of conduct to follow, but only if taken in 
moderation; [2] is that virtue which is sure to make the heart grow fonder
ABSTRACT ART, n. [1] the visual proof that things are not as bad as the can be 
painted; [2] -a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled, to the 
utterly bewildered; [3] is a style art of which opinion is divided — some people 
think it's a waste of time, while others think it's a waste of paint SEE ALSO: 
art
ABSURDITY, n. [1] is someone's state ment of belief which is inconsistent with 
your opinion on the subject
ACCIDENT(S), n. [1] an ironically twisted word, because, while people cause most 
accidents, it is also true that accidents cause most people; [2] a condition in 
which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better SEE ALSO: 
noodnick; safety belt; seat belt; trauma, emotional; war
ACCORDION, n. [1] a bagpipe with pleats
ACCORDIONIST, n. [1] is one of the very few people who can successfully play 
both ends against the middle
ACCOUNTABILITY, n. [1] the goddess of virtue in the accountant's world
ACCOUNTANT, n. [1] a person you hire to explain why you didn't make the money 
you're sure you did SEE ALSO: economists
ACCURACY, n. [1] is to the print media as virtue is to a lady — except that a 
paper can always print a retraction
ACQUAINTANCE, n. [1] a person you know well enough to borrow from but not nearly 
intimate enough to lend to
ACQUIESCENCE, n. [1] saying yes in four syllables
ACRIMONY, n. [1] payments made on a bad divorce
ACTION, n. [1] the last resort of those who don't know how to dream; SEE ALSO: 
coincide; conscience; convenience; gentle; kiss; kissing; law, U.S.; speed; 
stockpiling; war; wink
ACTIVITY, n. [1] no matter how furious, is never a substitute for understanding 
SEE ALSO: Gynopia Monitarius; homework; idle ness; shopping spree
ACTING, adj. [1] a masochistic form of exhibitionism — not quite the occupation 
of an adult; [2] is an art which, if suc cessful, basically consists of keeping 
people from coughing; [3] is like roller skating — once you know how to do it, 
it's neither stimulating nor exciting [George Sanders] SEE ALSO: sophistication; 
tape measure; virtue
ACTOR, n. [1] a man whose head is usually too big for his toupee; [2] an artist 
who carves emotions in the snow; [3] a person who has an infinite capacity for 
taking praise; [4] a male who does the stage more ham than good SEE ALSO: stage
ACTORS, n. [1] from a stage designer's point of view, are ugly humans who are 
paid to make the scenery look good
ADAM, n. [1] the world's only lucky man — he had no mother-in-law; [2] the only 
man who, when he said a funny thing, knew that nobody had said it before him; 
[3] was a man who God created first so he would have a short time to say 
something; [4] the butt of the world's first ribbing; [5] the only man who 
didn't have a wife who always compared him to her last husband; [6] the only 
indispensable man; [7] was world's greatest comedian, if we are to believe that 
there are no new jokes; [8] a creature created by God, who, finding himself not 
sufficiently alone, gave him Eve to make him feel his loss of solitude more 
keenly; [9] the first white slave
ADDER, n. [1] a deadly poisonous snake, probably so named because its bite's 
outcome adds funeral expenses to the ordinary cost of living
ADMIRATION, n. [1] the polite recognition of another's remarkable resemblance to 
ourselves
ADOLESCENCE, n. [1] that time in a child's life when he begins to ask questions 
that his parent's can answer; [2] the stage between infancy and adultery; [3] a 
kind of emotional sickness — funny, but only in retrospect; [4] the period in a 
child's life when parents become more difficult; [5] that time of life when a 
girl loses her faith in fairy tales and begins to worship beauty and love; [6] 
the best substitute for experience SEE ALSO: teens
ADOLESCENT, adj. [1] a youngster who acts like a baby when treated like an 
adult; [2] a person who has stopped asking questions because he knows all the 
answers; [3] a voracious creature who can work up an appetite by opening the 
refrigerator door; [4] is a devious religion with maturity as its pearly gates; 
[5] a youth who waits impatiently to grow up enough to become his own boss — and 
then gets married
ADULT, adj. [1] a person who has stopped growing at both ends; [2] an obsolete 
child; [3] someone who has reached the age when a person is no longer of the 
younger generation, but starts complaining about it SEE ALSO: adult education; 
baby sitter; Cleopatra; lap; smoking
ADULT EDUCATION [1] the effort you make to learn about those things that were 
boring when you were still young enough to use them
ADULTERER n. [1] a man with but three problems: the women he loves, the woman 
who loves him — and his wife
ADULTERY, n. [1] -is democracy applied to love SEE ALSO: women's movie
ADVERSITY, n. [1] the only diet which can reduce a fat head; [2] is the gate to 
the garden of truth; [3] reveals genius — prosperity conceals it; [4] is the 
trial of principle — without it, man hardly knows whether he is honest or not 
SEE ALSO: creditor; knowledge; prosperity
ADVERTISING, n.[1] the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to 
get money from it; [2] legalized lying; [3] is 85% lying and 15% commission; [4] 
the art of weaving whole lies out of half truths; [5] a method of persuading a 
man to live beyond his means — very similar to matrimony without the side 
benefits; [6] one of society's valuable economic factor — it is the cheapest way 
of selling near-worthless goods; [7] is like rattling a stick inside a swill 
bucket to attract the beasts SEE ALSO: advertising, truth in; chutzpa; 
commercial; disillusionment; Disney; epitaph; gentle; newspaper, tabloid; 
Thanksgiving; unmention ables 
ADVERTISING, TRUTH IN [1] a sportsman's shop with a sign that says "dead bait"
ADVICE, n. [1] the sermon the old give to the young when they are longer able 
set a bad example; [2] something you test out on others to check if it really 
works; [3] is one of the few things which are more blessed to give than receive; 
[4] what a person asks for when he is hoping you will agree with him SEE ALSO: 
advice, good; aging; altruist; fright; golden rule; good advice; perfection; 
stingy; suc cess; vice
ADVICE, GOOD [1] is one type of insult that should be forgiven; [2] cannot exist 
— a person sensible enough to give it, never does
AGE, n. [1] the very high price we pay for maturity; [2] that curious status 
which makes wine worth more and women less; [3] in youth, you have four supple 
members and one usually stiff — when you reach a certain age you find the 
opposite is the case SEE ALSO: age, women's; age of discretion; aging; birth 
certificate; birthday candles; boy scout; children; common sense; diplomat; 
discretion, age of'; draft, military; ecstasy; elephant: forty; hangover; 
happiness; legend; life; longevity; mid dle age; mother nature; national debt; 
old age; philosopher; religion; reputation; reunion, class; senior citizen; 
social security; teen age; teenager; temptation; thoughts; today; winter; youth; 
youth ful figure
AGE, WOMEN'S [1] is strictly a matter of relativity — if they don't tell on her, 
her secret is safe
AGE OF DISCRETION[1] a stage reached when one has learned to be discretely 
indiscrete
AGES OF MAN [1] are three: under-, over-, and aver-
AGING, v. [1] the only way to live a long time; [2] something which no one 
should regret — as it is denied to many; [3] a state which doesn't necessarily 
bring wisdom — it merely makes you less foolish; [4] is having to put up with 
listening to a lot of advice from one's children; [5] is identified when you 
find you are spending more time talking to your druggist than your bartender; 
[6] the only thing some people do as they get on in years; [7] a process which 
makes our bodies grow shorter, our hair lessen, and our anecdotes grow longer
AGNOSTIC, n. [1] is a man who is certain in his belief that he doesn't know; [2] 
a person who is religiously impaired {PC}; [3] a fanatic who burns question 
marks on church lawns
AGREEMENT, n. [1] that point you reach in an argument when you first begin to 
understand that you were wrong SEE ALSO: verbal contract
AIM, v. [1] the task we set our wishes to SEE ALSO: fanaticism
AIR, n. [1] the substance supplied by God and esteemed by politicians — it is 
also used for the fattening of the poor; SEE ALSO: air travel; civilized 
country; day dreamer; election campaign; flying saucers; in spiration; liberal; 
man; neurotic; nudist camp; pessimist; Tanglewood; towel, guest; vote, straw; 
window
AIR TRAVEL [1] hours of boredom enlightened by moments of sheer terror
A LA CARTE [1] is a French term meaning: you get what you can — table d'hτtel: 
you take what you get — buffet: you get it yourself
ALARM SEE: country, civilized; fink; middle age; progress
ALARM CLOCK [1] an ingenious device invented to wake people who have no children 
or do not raise chickens
ALARMIST [1] what Paul Revere was called
ALCOHOL, n. [1] a good preservative for everything except secrets; [2] is a 
beverage that is consumed in such great quantities each year that it runs into 
in staggering figures; SEE ALSO: alcoholic; cocktail; conscience; diplomacy; 
Irish coffee
ALCOHOLIC, adj. [1] someone who drinks like a fish but, unfortunately for the 
liver, not the same liquid; [2] someone you don't like who drinks as much as you 
do {Dylan Thomas}; [3] a rich man — poor men are called drunks; [4] anyone who 
will drink with anyone to anyone
ALGEBRA, n. [1] the wife of Euclid
ALIBI, n. [1] positive proof that you did do what you didn't do, so that others 
will understand you didn't do what you did do SEE ALSO: election day
ALIMONY, n. [1] a situation analogous to paying the installments on a car that 
has been wrecked; [2] a legal system which makes you realize how short a month 
is; [3] having an ex-husband you can bank on; [4] the high cost of leaving; [5] 
funds which allow a woman who lived unhappily married, to live happily 
unmarried; [6] the fine levied against a man who won't stay single and can't 
stay married; SEE ALSO: bigamy
ALLOWANCE, n. [1] is just one other thing that a small boy is constantly 
outgrowing SEE ALSO: good for nothing
ALMS, n. [1] an interesting word which has no singular form — perhaps it is to 
teach us that a single act of charity is not really charity
ALONE, adj. [1] the state of being stuck in bad company SEE ALSO: business, 
small; husband; hypo chondriac; laugh; schizophrenia
ALPHABET, n. [1] a series which starts with the letters "T" and "V," as any 
kindergartner will tell you
ALTAR, n. [1] a place where a bachelor finally loses control of himself
ALTRUIST, n. [1] a person who gives to others the advice he cannot use himself
ALWAYS, adv. [1] and "never" are two words you should always remember never to 
use
AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. [1] a pickpocket's special talent and his key to a prosperous 
future
AMBIGUITY, n. [1] is unclearness in speech — or, perhaps, ... well ... something 
else; [2] the special language of politics and statesmanship
AMBITION, n. [1] is like hunger — it obeys no law but its appetite; [2] is the 
power behind conceit; [3] is called vanity when in a woman SEE ALSO: money; 
women
AMERICA, n. [1] a country so rich we have the best politicians that money can 
buy; [2] a country that was actually founded as a protest against taxation!; [3] 
is called "the land of opportunity" because it is a country where a plumber can 
become an executive — if he is prepared to take a cut in pay; [4] a place so 
well designed by the founding fathers that you can't kill the government by 
killing the men who conduct it; [5] a country whose youth is one of its oldest 
and hallowed traditions; [6] is the only country in the world where the poor 
have a parking problem; [7] a land where citizens vote for Democrats — but hope 
to live like Republicans; [8] a great country where the media takes little 
problems seriously — and the big ones as a joke; [9] a government which runs 
well in spite of the system, not on account of it; [10] a country which produces 
citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy — but won't cross the 
street to vote; [11] is a land which boasts of more cars than any other country 
— what isn't mentioned is that we have more hospitals, too; [12] a place where 
anyone can become president — that's one of the risks you take, living in a 
democracy; [13] a nation which is one of the best places to establish a Chinese 
restaurant; SEE ALSO: American; Canada; Columbus, Chris topher; cosmetics; 
credit cards; divorce; do-it- yourselfer; educators; Englishman; equality; 
France; freedom of the press; government; hick town; illegal aliens; liberty; 
marriage; mayor; mother-in-law; progress; puritan; rear; slogan; speed; tension; 
Thanksgiving; tranquilizers; utopia; uxorious; work
AMERICAN, adj. [1] is, as a man, a person who will go to war to defend his right 
to say what he pleases — and as a husband, often wishes he had the same courage 
to do so; [2] a person who drives last year's car, wears this year's clothes, 
and lives on next year's income
AMNESTY, n. [1] the government's magnanimity to a criminal who is found to be 
too expensive to bring to trial
AMUSEMENT, n. [1] the happiness of those who cannot think
ANATOMY, n. [1] something common to both men and women that always looks better 
on women
ANCESTOR, n. [1] a person you often complain that you didn't choose — however, 
if the truth were known, they most probably wouldn't have chosen you
ANESTHETIC, LOCAL [1] medicine used by cut-rate doctors and dentists who can't 
afford the imported stuff
ANGEL, n [1] is an object of awe on earth — in heaven he's nobody in particular
ANGER, n. [1] the internal force that blows out the light of reason; [2] an 
uncontrolled feeling that betrays what you are when you're not yourself
ANGIOPLASTY, n. [1] one kind of inflation you can live with
ANGLER, n. [1] is a man who always plans to catch a fish so large he won't have 
to lie about it
ANGSTROM, n. [1] is the scientific unit of measurement of pain
ANIMALS, n. [1] creatures who are to be envied — they know nothing about future 
evils nor what people think of them; [2] are distinguished from human beings, 
and can be proven to be not stupid — for instance, their species have never 
developed a need for lawyers
ANIMAL TESTING[1] should be abolished at once — they get all nervous and give 
the wrong answers
ANNIVERSARY, n. [1] the yesterday you forgot to buy your wife a gift
ANNIVERSARY, GOLDEN[1] the most joyous wedding university — as the happy couple 
are usually just about out of debt by then; [2] a day of fun and laughter — 
usually generated by looking at the pictures of the wedding and the guests that 
attended
ANNIVERSARY, SILVER[1] the day a man celebrates twenty-five years of work under 
the same boss
ANTICIPATION, n. [1] is a two-sided coin — it increases pleasure, but also 
expands worry
ANTIDOTE, n. [1] a medicine you take to prevent dotes
ANTIMONY, n. [1] money you get from your mother's sister; [2] money your uncle 
must pay when he divorces his wife; [3] anticipated income which is like 
anti-matter — it disappears on contact with reality
ANTIQUE, adj. [1] a fugitive from a junkyard with a price on its head; [2] any 
piece of furniture or bric-a-brac that's hard to dust and easy to break
ANXIETY, adj. [1] is like sand in an oyster — a little produces a beautiful and 
valuable pearl, too much kills the creature
APARTMENT, n. [1] a place where both the landlord and tenant are trying to raise 
the rent
APARTMENT, IDEAL [1] a place distant enough to keep your wife from going home to 
mother, but small enough to keep her mother from staying with you
APHORIST, n. [1] a person of few words — by nature, a male
APOLOGY, n. [1] the super-glue of life which can repair almost any of our sins; 
[2] is saying the right thing after doing the wrong thing; [3] that lump in your 
throat caused by having to eat your own words
APPARITION, n. [1] a personal appearance by a ghost
APPEASER, n. [1] a person who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last
APPENDIX, n. [1] that organ which is taken out before your doctor finds it's 
your gall bladder giving you that pain
APPLAUSE, n. [1] an explosive sound, when heard at the beginning of a speech, 
shows the audience has faith; when heard in the middle, it shows they have hope 
— at the end it only indicates charity
APRIL, n. [1] is the month when the green returns to the lawn, the trees, and 
the IRS
ARBITRATOR, n. [1] is the only party completely satisfied with the settlement
ARCHBISHOP, n. [1] a Christian prelate who has attained the a rank superior to 
that ever attained by his Savior
ARCHEOLOGIST, n. [1] a person whose career lies in ruins; [2] a man who makes a 
wonderful husband — the older his wife gets, the more interested he becomes; [3] 
a scholar who digs deep around the world to find a previous civilization to 
blame our current mess on
ARCHEOLOGY, n. [1] the science of digging in the earth trying to find 
civilizations more depraved than our own
ARCTIC, adj. [1] while similarly as cold as the Antarctic — there is all the 
difference in the world between them
ARDOR, n. [1] love without knowledge
ARGUMENT, n. [1] is an angry dispute in which two people can keep talking 
without throwing anything more weighty than insults
ARMED FORCES [1] is a generic term for any organization that gives commissions 
as well as a salary
ARROGANCE, n. [1] an attitude, like the rooster, which allows a person to 
believe that the sun rises to hear him crow
ARSONIST, n, [1] a person with an unquenched burning desire
ART, n. [1] like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere; [2] is the 
difference between actually seeing and simple identification; [3] a lie that 
enables us to realize the truth; [4] its secret of success lies not in technique 
or experience, but in knowing precisely when to stop; [5] is one of the most 
enigmatic of persuasions — it enables you to both find and lose yourself at the 
same time; [6] is a collaboration between God and the artist — the less artist 
the better work; [7] is a work which is never finished — it must be abandoned at 
the right time; [8] is limitation — the essence of every picture is in the 
frame; [9] is a border of flowers along civilization's path; [10] is "I" — just 
as science is "we" SEE ALSO: acting; advertising; art, abstract; art, modern; 
art theater; autobiography; bachelor; compromise; contentment; dancing; 
democracy; diplomacy; doubletalk; etiquette; finance; flattery; gallery; gossip; 
government; happiness; ingenuity; leadership; life; marriage; modesty; nation; 
oratory; originality; painting; petting; poet; poetry; politics; 
procrastination; propaganda; psychiatry; religion; sophistication; statesman; 
survival; tact; talent; taxation; teaching; thinking; wisdom; writing 
ART, ABSTRACT SEE: ABSTRACT ART
ART, MODERN [1] a word used to describe an art form that has no other merit; [2] 
is an art form which is easy to understand: if it's hanging on a wall it's a 
painting, if you can walk around it, it's sculpture
ART THEATER [1] a place where the building is clean and the pictures are dirty
ARTERY [1] a beatnik art gallery
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION [1] copulation without representation
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE [1] a computer term for a program which blames other 
computers for any mistakes it makes
ARTIST [1] the seismograph of his time; [2] a person who's interest in the arts 
consists of a little dabble and a great deal of babble
ARTIST, PRIMITIVE [1] is an amateur whose work sells [Grandma Moses]
ARTISTIC TEMPERAMENT [1] a disease that afflicts amateurs
ASCII [1] is what you must do to get an ANSI {computer humor}
ASP [1] a snake so poor he doesn't have a pit to hiss in
ASPIRIN [1] is called a miracle drug because a year's supply disappears in about 
a month
ASSET SEE: learning; politics
ASSASSINATION, n. [1] is the coward's form of censorship
ASTRONAUT, n. [1] one who is always relieved to be down and out; [2] one of the 
very few men who can really see the shape the world is in; [3] a person who 
tries to find a place in the sun by reaching for the moon; [4] the only 
individual who can make a trip around the world without coming home loaded with 
souvenirs
ATHEIST, n. [1] a man who watches a Notre Dame-Southern Methodist University 
game and doesn't care who wins; [2] a person who, when he gets out of a tight 
place, has no one to thank; [3] a person who feels he is an accident; [4] a man 
with no invisible means of support; [5] is a person whose faith is his lack of 
faith; [6] a scholar who can take any passage from the bible and prove that it 
doesn't mean what it says
ATOM, n. [1] is just one more thing that proves the old adage that: "it's the 
little things that count"
ATOMIC ENERGY [1] the most powerful force in the universe — except for women
ATTIC, n. [1] is a handy place for storing things until you throw them out two 
weeks before they are needed
AUCTION, n. [1] a sales meeting where, if you are not careful, you'll get 
something for nodding
AUCTIONEER, n. [1] a person who looks forbidding; [2] a man who proclaims with a 
hammer that he has picked your pocket with his tongue
AUDIENCE, n. [1] is a group of individ uals who are best if they are 
intelligent, well educated — and a little drunk
AUGUST, n. [1] that time of the year when many people are back at work all ready 
to rest up from their vacations
AUROPHOBIA, n. [1] fear of being covered with gold paint — a gilt complex
AUTHORITIES, n. [1] those who say sex is sinful. Do not have sex with 
authorities
AUTHORITY, n. [1] the first rung in the ladder of self-destruction
AUTOBIOGRAPHY, n. [1] fiction written by someone who knows which facts to hide; 
[2] a book which reveals nothing about the writer except his poor memory; [3] 
the literary art of reconciling fact with fiction; [4] a work of literature 
based on the ancient art of self defense
AUTOMATION, n. [1] an electronic marvel which gives you the time to waste on the 
other electronic innovation — the Internet; [2] a condition under which there 
will be more jobs for everyone because it allows fewer people to do the work; 
[3] man's plan to make work so easy that women can do it all; [4] an electronic 
process by which smart computers allow more time for people to be bored out of 
their skull
AUTOMOBILE, n. [1] a convenient place to sit out a traffic jam; [2] a machine 
with four wheels, a motor, and not quite enough seats, which enables people to 
get about with great rapidity and ease to places they never bothered going to 
before, and where they'd just as soon not be now, because, now that they're 
there, there is no place to park; [3] an invention which formerly did away with 
horses, and is now doing the same with people, with greater efficiency; [4] 
technology's answer to the population explosion
AUTUMN, n. [1] that season of the year when husbands take their cloth coats out 
of mothballs and their wives get their furs out of storage
AVARICE, n. [1] is the sphincter of the heart
AVERAGE, n. [1] depending on how you view it, it is taking the best of the worst 
— or using the worst of the best
AWE, n. [1] is that state you are in where you have no idea of the solution — 
but admire the problem
You have just read the "A" section of Quinn's Devious Dictionary. There are 
currently about 5,000 definitions of nearly 2,300 words in the manuscript.
Your comments and/or suggestions will be appreciated.
Email me. 
Lee Daniel Quinn, 145C Parkway Drive, Freehold, NJ 07728. Phone 908-409-4405, 
Fax 845-3535